Thursday, January 13, 2011

Fashion, oui? non?

I just feel a need to rant a little bit. I have often wondered who dictates the fashion narratives that spread like wildfire in the fashion industry. I know for a fact that there is a world color society that decides what colors will be “hot” - Did you know that lime green is the new black?? or that Purple is the new Red?? Be prepared for some serious orange this summer...phooey. I think there is a secret society in France where people meet in a dark room, everyone is smoking. They are all wearing tight-fitting black clothes. And it goes like this:


“Euh.. vhaht vhill it be dzees year?”


“I aahm dsinking dzaaht we go vhitt feesh net hoze in rose colors and dzee teeeeniest mini-sskirtz. Dzee crazy Amehrican women vill bite any sthing vee place on dzee hook, oui?”

“Oui! (laughing and drawing a puff of smoke from his cigarette holder...Cruella deVille style..) and I sink dzaaat we make dzee schooze 25 centimeters!(10 inches) Dzee chiropractors and podiatrists should send us royalteezz. Oui?? (laughing more..)


“Oui! Vee have gotten dzem to wvear everysing from clown balloon pants in dzee 80’s (laughing hysterically now...) animal prints in dzee summer time, jumpsuits - that’s the best one ever -- you have to get sans des vetements/ nue/ naked to go to the lieu!! Vee half dzee best job in dzee whole world, like puppet masters.. We tell dzeehm and dzey do it!! Euh...... let’s do beaded underwear... (laughing more still) sooooooooo bumpy..... (hhhhahhahahahahhahh)

And then the beaded underwear are shown in magazines being worn by severe- looking 12 year olds who are freakishly 6 feet tall and malnourished. They sport the fishnet hosiery and mini-skirts and “the look,” all too soon, appears at PTA meetings and church bazaars and everyone says wow that’s sooo disgusting... how can they wear such trendy clothes.. My personal favorite was /is the thong panties that stick out above lowriding pants/jeans. I almost raced up to a young person (back in the late nineties when this stuff first appeared - she had the low jeans and no undies...) and said “hey, your cheeks are showing! You might want to pull down your shirt....” and my girlfriend stopped me and said it was a hot trend. I just can’t imagine deliberately doing the plumber! And then the trend creeps down to children’s clothing and the preschoolers I teach can’t play on the floor with dolls or blocks without flashing their sweet little moons to the world. And don’t get me started on the padded training bras for young girls.. really...

I haven’t really tried to keep up in a long time. I don’t mean to give up on looking good, but some things don’t really look good on anyone (jeggings). I guess I am getting old...but still, I refuse to shop at Chico’s, and you won’t find me in 8 inch heels. I pity the fools that have to keep up with trends. Women are so gullible. Look at the volume of the women’s department compared to the men’s in any store. Women’s stuff takes up 75% and men get about 25% of the floor space. If women learned to be satisfied in their own skin, demand clothes that fit in the neck, sleeve-length and pant length and stopped jumping to each latest thingama-jig that was shown to us... well, the world economy would collapse and what would we do with all that time we’d save?? So just keep making up the trends you weird Frenchies, and we’ll keep figuring out ways to make it and buy it as cheaply as possible. I can hear them laughing....

Au revoir.

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious! I can see it all in my head. Too funny!